Tag Archives: wake up

lost & found.

Do you remember that elated feeling and sense of relief that you get when you find your missing phone? Or when you were a little younger and your absolute favorite stuffed animal had been misplaced, run over, or generally not where it needed to be – at your side at all times? Maybe even that friend you thought you’d ruined a relationship with and then they give you that smile and they walk up to you and it’s a mix of disbelief and sheer joy? What about the time you got lost in a grocery store and couldn’t find your parent – searching the aisles you began turning your head so quickly it was basically on a swivel and the tears started welling up in your eyes and a feeling of loss and a dying hope you’d be found began? I never really thought much about it until I felt lost again. I had lost a lot of joy and the constant panic had set in.

<<You are beautifully and wonderfully made.>>

Those are the words ringing in my ear. I am a masterpiece, a valued person and created to be perfect as I am. My Father in heaven had found me and he was overjoyed. What I didn’t know was in my disobedience, lack of love, selfishness, pride, and anger He had stayed with me. In reality I had just stepped back long enough from the mess I had created to realize the One who loved me was always by my side. My bobble head, searching for a sign of where He had gone or where I should go next was me being too stubborn to see Him all around me. I had been so determined to find Him in the cereal aisle when He was also in the pasta aisle and the flowers and the deli section.

Where had I missed Him? How had I missed Him?

I was too busy to see that His hand is in everything and works everything for good wherever and whatever I do. I was searching in all the wrong places when really He was searching for me. I was the one being found. As I was walking from aisle to aisle He was following, running after me. When you were a kid in the grocery store who wandered away first? Who didn’t follow the leader? I know I sure didn’t. I took my two feet, took charge, and walked away assuming I was leading this expedition.

But who is leading your life? Is it you? Is it your parents, significant other, school? I know I was making a royal mess of my life when I was trying to run it all myself. It was a lot of responsibility and a lot of focusing on repercussions, and forgetting what grace was.

<< And He who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him. >>

I once was lost, but now I’m found.

When I realized who was really leading my expedition and how poorly it was working out for me I took a step back, opened the death grip I’d had, threw my hands up and said, “FINE.” It wasn’t graceful or fun or easy or any of the perfect stories anyone had told me about surrendering everything. It’s still not easy and I get to wake up every day choosing who is going to lead the charge for the next 24 hours (and sometimes it only lasts 24 seconds).

Do you remember what it was like to be found in the grocery store – knowing you weren’t abandoned or responsible for finding your way home again? Do you remember the deep breath you took in relief and the joy you felt when you set eyes on them or heard their voice calling your name? That’s what it feels like to me when I take a step back and speak the name Jesus under my breath. Then I’m not lost, I’m found – the relief washes over me and I can breath steadily again.

But, It’s not a one and done. I still get lost. But now I know what it’s like to let myself be found.

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Surreality.

Definition: Marked by the intense irrational reality of a dream;
very strange or unusual : having the quality of a dream (Merriam-Webster Dictionary)

Truth: The past seven weeks I have been living in Rome. During my days I go to school, wander through what feels like the same alleyways – since they all look the same, eat much good food, and attempt to speak Italian.

Although this has been my reality it feels like a dream. Normal people don’t do this. If you had asked me four months ago if I thought I’d be studying in Rome next semester I would have laughed and said I wish. I am literally living the dream.

When I broke the news to my friends and told them about my impending sudden leave of absence from the university they stood in front of me speechless. How could I talk so casually about studying abroad in Rome, Italy?! One of the most beautiful cities in the world.

DSCN2414
how about that for a view on a study break?

This is what happened:

After a particular series of events last semester I decided to pick up and leave. Not only would I leave the school and state – I was going to leave the country. I picked up my computer and did a mad dash for about 72 hours. I had an overwhelming sense of peace about my spontaneous decision to go to Rome. For whatever reason the Lord put it in my head and said “Go.” so I ran. All the deadlines were past and I hit wall after wall, but I had a sense this was my path so I took my sledgehammer and steel-toed boots smashed down every wall and stomped my way through. Three months later and here we are.

Maybe it’s culture shock and maybe it’s not, but consistently the past week I’ve walked around and stopped with a dumbfounded smile on my face. I look like an absolute goof. My friends look at me knowing something is coming next, and typically this is how it goes. I grab their shoulders and look them in the eyes with my stupid grin and say, “We. Are in. ROME. Do you KNOW how crazy that is?? We live here. I mean we are actually living here for the next 3 months. We get to take casual walks around ancient ruins and see the Pope whenever he decides to make an appearance. WHAT?! That’s. Not. Real. It’s a beautiful day and we get to do whatever we feel like in one of the most enchanting places. People vacation here for a week because they want to see it and we are living here. No. I just can’t believe it.” And that concludes my rant.

The thing is when I have those moments I am so grateful for them. They mean: HELLO. Wake up call. Live your life and enjoy where you are because it’s temporary – just like every other moment in time. I may be in unbelief about my physical location and others I may be so disenchanted that I don’t even care that they are filming the new James Bond movie in front of my university.

The lesson remains the same. It’s an oldie, but a goodie. Cherish every moment – no matter where you are. The people will make the places whether it’s a life long friend or someone you met while waiting for the tram whom you shared a laugh with. The thing is people may come and go, but you will always have the memories. What my reality looks like will always be different than the person next to me and sometimes you get to live in Rome for 5 months, but mostly you just get to live. Nothing has to be ordinary. It may be another day in the same old neighborhood, but think about how many people walked those same streets before you. How many stories would they have been able to tell?

every road may look the same, but they each lead to a different journey
every road may look the same, but they each lead to a different journey

Live consciously, not critically – there is a difference you know.

Awaken the inner curiosity in you. Live your life, not everyone has the same privilege. Take a walk and get lost (physically, in conversation, in thought) – it happens to be one of my favorite pastimes.